Prayer, Lent, and Haiti
We received a call from our caseworker in November saying that due to tax reform the adoption tax credit might not be available starting in 2018. Honestly, I don’t follow the news and had no idea this was even a thing. [Don't worry...adoption advocates stepped in and this is no longer a concern.] But...this "scare" did great things for our family.
The "scare" launched the generous hearts of those at Christian Homes into action. They requested waivers from the judge to finalize some adoptions a smidge early so families could get at least 1 year worth of the tax credit. Our tentative finalization date of early February had now been put on the fast track to mid-December. Audrey legally became a Kennedy before the first of the year, though she was ours the minute we got the call and definitely the minute we laid eyes on her sweet face.
This exciting reality in addition to some other happenings in our lives has me reflecting on our adoption journey…which in many ways has just begun.
Adoption has been a conversation between Tim and me since our dating days. We have known from the beginning that this was a part of the story God has been writing for us. However, there have been many life experiences since then that have solidified this choice and brought God’s perfect timing to fruition.
One of those life experiences was my challenging pregnancy and early birth of Luke. I have known since his birth that God wanted me to share this story because of His great faithfulness and grace towards us. And oddly enough, I think the birth of my second child has now prompted me to tell the story of my first.
Don’t worry, I will get to Audrey’s story too… which is much different yet equally beautiful.
So…my Luke.
I have always known that I wanted to be a mommy. I had a wonderful childhood with a mommy who did it so well that I naturally wanted to be a mommy too. Personality wise, I have lots of big emotions including a keen sense of emotional need and nurturing…perfect for mommy-ing. But there was one major problem, I have never really enjoyed being around a bunch of little kids. Yikes…I feel like the worst writing that!
Feelings of incompetence abound being around babies who need lots of things and can only communicate by crying. I don’t like hurting people’s feelings so telling pre-school aged kids to not climb on something or to not greedily hoard all of the toys makes my heart beat fast and I want to run away. These two things alone made me question if I could do the mommy thing at all, much less well. My mom’s words of, “It’s different when they're your own,” helped in the moment but then another crying child would make those insecurities creep up.
Disclaimer: Being a mommy has eased a lot of these anxieties and feelings…please bring your kids when you come to my house!!!!
Two years into our marriage, I was 28 years old [my biological clock was screaming “You better get this party started.”] and Tim was ready to start talking about kids. So…I did the only thing I knew how to do…I started praying. My prayer went something like this, “Dear Lord, I’ve always wanted to be a mom but I don’t know that I will ever be ready. Please let me know when I am ready.” I prayed this prayer, or a variation of it, for a full year.
Several months into praying this prayer, Tim and I decided to read and participate in the book A Place at the Table during Lent.
We spent this season in scripture, in prayer, and in great need of God’s sustaining presence. During this time, we found out that we had the opportunity to go to Haiti with our friends at Christian Relief Fund (CRF). I prayed a lot about our work in Haiti; not knowing Haiti is where my seemingly unrelated mommy prayer would be answered.
Haiti gave me a run for my money! We traveled on an airplane that looked like the ones from the movie series “Indiana Jones” [100% not joking!]. This type of plane does not have cabin pressure so we opened the windows, bumped through clouds, and saw the crystal-clear Caribbean water because we flew so low to the ground.
The first full day we were in Haiti, I got heat exhaustion and laid on the cold tile floor of the nursing home where Tim and the rest of the crew were working on the water filtration system. Once I recovered from that, I had about 24 hours before I started running a fever and having tons of intestinal distress. I was out for 2 days from that. Embarrassing!!! And...Yuck!
But in the glorious 24 hours in between, God was ready to speak. We went to the CRF sponsored school in Cap Haitien to look at their broken water filtration system. [And when I say we, I mean Tim and the engineering team were looking at it.] We arrived just as recess began. Children of all ages swarmed a courtyard area where they played everyday waiting for their lunch.
The children looked at us in awe as we were some of the few white people they had ever seen. The water team went to inspect the filtration system while I stayed in the courtyard. I was instantly surrounded by 10+ children who were touching my skin and giggling. They managed to take my hat off and gasped at how different my hair was from theirs. I had dozens of little hands touching my hair in disbelief. In that moment, I felt an incredible calm, I looked up into the clear blue sky, and, in a way I can’t explain, the gentleness of the Holy Spirit surrounded me and I knew it was time…it was time for a child of my own.
When you have a moment like this, there is no ignoring it and there is no saying "no"...I didn't even want to.
I told Tim that night. He was an easy sell. He had been ready…and now so was I.
Grace and peace,
Lindsey
P.S. The picture of me with the children was not at CRF's school. These children were a part of a community that needed a head on their water pump. I don't have any pictures of the children at CRF's school in there cute matching uniforms with tiny little ties.
P.P.S. I would love to hear from you...comment on Facebook [ Lindsey "Mills" Kennedy ], Instagram [ lindseyakennedy ], or e-mail me at lindseyakennedy@outlook.com!